In a concise, descriptive, and informative press conference, President Donald Trump made the claim that Barack Hussein Obama left the military without any ammunition. After lots of research, many beers, a nap, and crying about not being able to buy roses in Michigan, we rate this claim:
Joe Barron, reporter for the Daily Derry Air, interviewed Junior Chief Petty Officer Brian Cohen of Nazareth, PA at Boring Air Force Base in Maryland to learn about the truth and scope of this shocking accusation. JCPO Cohen said:
“Well, it wadn’t all the ammo that we ran outta. We still got rocks, bullets, missiles, grenades, 4 week old room temperature egg salad, and Sergeant Monita’s ass. That thing is dead…lee! But we had these cool lasers guns, you know, the real ones they had in Star Wars and they go all pew! pew! pew! in the movies but dadgommit, they don’t shoot nothin’ now. Totally jacked up. How are we gonna defend against the Rebel Alliance if the dang pew pew pews ain’t workin’?”
How indeed. As everyone who saw the lame prequel movies and Rogue One know, those weapons in the right hands are about as accurate as they come. Our American armed forces have the right hands, but thanks to Obama, not the right weapons. M16s, drones, and tomahawks don’t matter if the laser guns don’t work.
Attempts were made to reach former President Obama, but he has declined to speak with us. His office did release a statement that said that anyone who believes anything in this article outside of Monita’s deadly ass needs to get their head examined.