You’ve probably run across more than a few alerts from independent news pages about the “death” of superstar actress Betty White. It’s been a hugely trending topic on Twitter, Twatter, and ButterEmails.
The thing is, however, that Mrs. White is not dead. Responding to the claim and doing our due diligence, Freedom Fictions reached out to people in the know, near the Amercan treasure, to get their take.
Nearly all of them were dead. We did, though, reach former Playboy model and assistant to Miss White, Sandy Batt, who gave us a surprising scoop.
“Betty is just fine. She’s not dead. Why does the internet always kill everyone just off-handedly? I just saw her two days ago, making out with Sting and Pauly Shore in the sexpool at Mar-a-Lago. She was alive then, I’m reasonably sure she’s still breathing.”
After dozens of phone calls and the expense of sending Missy Southard personally out to her residence where she simply got in bed and went to sleep farting, we did contact a close friend of Betty White’s, John Guluv.
“Haven’t heard from her. I don’t think she’s dead. A lot of times she’s surfing with the kids out there or banging some man whore on top of the fridge. She might be. Who knows?”
Straight from the horse’s mouth. Betty White is very likely alive and engaging in coitus. Now get out of here.