Fact Check: TRUE – Ghislaine Maxwell Was Murdered In Her Jail Cell

she's well and truly dead

Over the past few days, a news article detailing the murder of convicted Epstein girlfriend Ghislaine Maxwell in her jail cell has been circulating on social media, although it has suspiciously been completely ignored by mainstream media.

As a result, there have been many doubts expressed as to the veracity of the story, with many readers disputing the allegation that she is indeed deceased. So, in order to set the record straight, we decided to dig deeper into the story.

While we cannot confirm who murdered Ghislaine Maxwell, we have been able to confirm that she is dead.

Our news team was able to unearth a video surveillance transcript of a meeting between Kenny McCormick, the New York City medical examiner who conducted the autopsy on Ms. Maxwell, and Warden Praline of the Metropolitan Detention Center, who according to the transcript was apparently trying to convince Mr. McCormick to change the findings of his autopsy and deny that she was dead.

The transcript begins as Mr. McCormick attempts to register a complaint at the MDC morgue:

McCormick: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

(no response from the Warden)

McC: Hello, Miss?

Praline: What do you mean “Miss”?

McC: (pause) I’m sorry, I have a cold. I WISH TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT!

P: We’re closing for lunch.

McC: Never mind that. I wish to complain about this person that I conducted an autopsy on not half an hour ago in this very morgue.

P: Oh yes, the, uh, inmate Ghislaine Maxwell…What’s, uh…What’s wrong with her?

McC: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with her, buddy. She’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with her!

P: No, no, she’s, uh…she’s resting.

McC: Look, buddy. I know a dead person when I see one and I’m looking at one right now!

P: No no, she’s not dead, she’s, she’s resting. Remarkable woman, Ghislaine Maxwell, isn’t she? Beautiful t*ts!

McC: Her t*ts don’t enter into it. She’s stone dead.

P: Nonononono! She’s resting!

McC: All right then, if she’s resting, I’ll wake her up! (shouts at the coffin) Hello Ms. Maxwell! I’ve got a lovely young girl for you if you show….(Praline hits the coffin)

P: There, she moved!

McC: No, she didn’t! That was you hitting the coffin!

P: I never!

McC: Yes, you did!

P: I never, never did anything…

McC: (yelling and hitting the coffin repeatedly) HELLO GHISLAINE!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!

(Takes Maxwell out of her coffin, bangs her head on the counter, throws her up in the air and watches her plummet to the floor)

McC: Now that’s what I call a dead person.

P: No, no…She’s stunned.

McC: STUNNED?

P: Yeah! You stunned her, just as she was waking up! Epstein’s girlfriends stun easily, sir.

McC: Um, now look, now look, buddy. I’ve definitely had enough of this. THAT PERSON IS DEFINITELY DECEASED, AND AFTER I AUTOPSIED HER NOT A HALF HOUR AGO YOU TRIED TO CONVINCE ME THAT HER TOTAL LACK OF MOVEMENT WAS DUE TO HER BEING TIRED AND SHAGGED OUT.

P: Well, she’s, she’s uh, probably pining for her home in England.

McC: Pining for her home in England? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did she fall flat on her back the moment I took her out of the coffin?

P: Ghislaine Maxwell prefers keeping on her back. Remarkable woman, isn’t she? Lovely t*ts!

McC: Look, I took the liberty of performing an autopsy on her, and I discovered the only reason she had been sitting on the bunk in her cell was that she had been NAILED there!

P: Well, of course she was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed her down, she would have muzzled up to those bars, bent them apart with her lovely t*ts, and VOOM!

McC: “VOOM”? Buddy, this woman wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through her! She’s f*cking demised!

P: No, no! She’s pining!

McC: She’s not pining! This woman is no more! She has ceased to be! She’s expired and gone to meet her maker! She’s a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed her to the bunk she’d be pushing up the daisies! Her metabolic processes are now history! She’s off the twig! She’s kicked the bucket, she’s shuffled off her mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the f*cking choir invisible! She f*cking snuffed it! THIS IS AN EX PERSON!!!!

P: Well, I’d better replace her, then.

(he takes a quick look at his laptop)

P: Sorry, sir. I’ve had a look at the inmate management system, and, uh, we’re right out of female inmates.

McC: I see, I see. I get the picture.

P: I’ve got a slug.

McC: Pray, does it talk?

P: Not really.

McC: WELL IT’S HARDLY A F*CKING REPLACEMENT, IS IT!

P: Well I never wanted to do this warden thing in the first place. I wanted to be…..A LUMBERJACK!

With apologies to John Cleese and Michael Palin.

About Watt A Plonker 4 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.