The internet is alive with the sounds of Candace Cameron Bure. Is it true? Was the Full House cutie really in an adult film? Fortunately, for those guys at those rallies who had a crush on little DJ Tanner, the rumors are absolutely true.

According to our source, Candace Cameron Bure was in an adult film in 1994. Now a collector’s classic and extremely hard to find, the film is technically “illegal.” That hasn’t stopped it from circulating, however, leaving the Christian actress with some questions to answer. Her only response so far has been, “everyone makes mistakes.”

The film gets horrible ratings in online circles. Connoisseurs of the art find the action flat and her moans unconvincing. To get closer to the truth, our reporter established an undercover dark web identity and found the only reliable source for the flick, a loser in a trailer park in Indiana named Steve. “Well it’s illegal because she would have been 14 in 1994,” said the government-dependent leech, ” but that shouldn’t stop grown men from watching it almost 30 years later now, should it?”

Yes, actually, it should. But then again, we are talking about members of the Christian Right, patriots. Sometimes they have to do things like Bristol Palin or Josh Duggar and then get absolved for them later for the greater good. As devout followers of the Lord, we understand.

God bless America.


  1. Barry Obuttfuck

    Y’all should stop eating dick

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