Bud Light sales are down more than 80 percent this morning after Kid Rock let it be known that he really dislikes their use of a trans person in marketing campaigns.

In response, Augustus Anheuser III personally fired the entire marketing department at the company.

“We have a very particular retail customer base,” said Anheuser, “they don’t like wokeness. They don’t agree that they should have to accept immoral people and their lifestyles.”

Former marketing director Joe Barron says he doesn’t regret the decision. “Every company does a pride thing. These idiots are all jumping to Coors when Coors started it. They’ve been advocating for LGBTQ rights for decades.”

That doesn’t matter, according to the vibe across the internet. If you’re a real American who loves guns and God and thinks Kid Rock is cool even though he writes shitty music, you’re probably in the process of switching beers. Michelob light is a great alternative, as is Natural Light.

“We’re getting a new marketing campaign up and running,” says Anheuser,” we’re considering asking Kid Rock to come aboard if he can forgive our misguided past.”

Kid Rock’s spokesman, Art Tubolls, said Kid is more than eager to entertain the notion if the price is right. God Bless America.

34 Comments

  1. Jon Hawes

    Its the WHOLE company! Drank Bud for 45 yrs. No more!!

  2. Sheldon

    should have been a white claw commercial not a bud. Well no more bud-light for me!! you sick bastards!!

  3. Fruity McFruit

    I stopped drinking Bud years ago when I learned the Lizard People owned a majority stock in the company! Wake up people!!!11!

    • Dr. Stetson

      I refuse to let the woke MOB!!!! take away my American (never China) beer and hand it over to the far-left extremist transterrorists!! F— THAT!!!!

    • Brenda Severns

      I thought Michelob Light was an Anheiser-Busch beer too?

  4. DARNELL Housley Jr

    I do not know what bud light had on there mind. I have drank Anheuser-Busch products for years. Sorry to see it come to this. I’m finished!!!!!

  5. Eugene W Cook

    How did he do it from the grave? Augustus Anheuser III passed away on April 13, 2010, at the age of 72.

    • Iam Notreal

      Dunning-Kruger-Times.com is a subsidiary of the “America’s Last Line of Defense” network of parody, satire, and tomfoolery, or as Snopes called it before they lost their war on satire: Junk News

      • Say It

        Well… to be fair… snopes is no more of a credible fact source than Don Lemon

        • Todd Simpson

          I agree, I don’t know who is worse, Don Lemon or Joe Biden when comparing to Snopes.

    • Todd Simpson

      No, He’s still alive and very active in his company. Don’t know what person you are referring to, his father August Anheuser Jr. died in 1989 at the age of 90.

  6. Jurgy

    I am not a beer snob, but American beer, especially “light” beer, sucks. European beer is far and away better. Even beer from Thailand or Japan is better.

    • John Fender

      Anhueser-Busch is owned by InBev which I think is a Belgium company. InBev owns numerous European Brands including Becks, Lowenbrau and Stella Artois. They also own some Mexican brands that were enjoying some success in the US market including Corona and Modelo. They also own several beers that were formerly microbrews including Shock Top, Red Hook and Goose Island. In my opinion all of the beers are way better than Bud Light. They also probably earn a higher profit margin for InBev. InBev is going to laugh all the way to the bank if people switch from their low margin Bud Light swill to one of their more premium brands so we need to boycott ALL InBev products.

  7. Faround Findout

    holy shit I lost brain cells reading these comments

  8. Dave

    Leave it to a company that makes shitty beer to judge shitty music. Ever since they started calling it An American Beer instead of the King of Beers, given it’s no longer an American owned beer company I stopped drinking it. It’ swill anyways and I’d much rather drink craft beer than touch their shitty beer.

  9. Manly McRocknuckle

    Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Now to go fish/troll some home fries. Great job, ALLOD.

  10. jim john

    This entire article is bogus. None of this- I repeat… NONE of this article is true. AB hasn’t fired anyone and, in fact, doubled down on the decision. Also, the Anheuser guy you quote is not even alive.

    • Clint Hayden

      You have not learned the definition of satire yet, huh?

      • Frungi

        More that idiots who don’t read past the headline accept satire as truth

  11. William H. Singleton

    The “BEER” industry has been going downhill from the time they started putting fruit flavors in it. Keep It Simple Stupid! Water, Grain, Hops and Yeast.

  12. Hank

    Yuengling lager from now on. They’re big GOP donors too.

  13. A.Redford

    No more Bud in my house ever again! Tired of stupid commercials and stupid politics. Switch to something else, teach the “Bud woke” a lesson. Our soldiers are fighting wars and coming home to this crap. A disgrace!

  14. LMFAO!!! Man, you anti-woke, free speech, Merica!,.. folks sure are a sensitive bunch. No, they didn’t fire their marketing team even though most of these folks will swallow that store faster than a 2 bit whore. It’s just another wet conspiracy dream of those on the extreme, beyond crazy right wingers… But, please, please go on with your bad self. It helps to continue to expose just how out there and truly anti-freedom, anti-democratic, and just plain ole anti-American you really are.

  15. I saw a can of Bud Light a couple nights ago and next thing I know I was sucking 29 dicks.

  16. Skipper Lakerocks

    Thank God journalism isn’t dead, thanks to intrepid reporters like Mr. Eagleton. Only your stubborn commitment to the truth could find out The Rockster’s affect on the beer sales for this very morning.
    On a related note, our Tallahassee mobile home jumped up to 90 degrees. That’s American Fahrenheit, none of that socialist Centigrade. Ethyl, my wife, is running around in her underwear and that’s way more skin than the dogs can handle. Can you fix it for us?

  17. E

    Michelob and Natural are made by A-B. Do your research. I think this is a gaslight article. I don’t believe A-B are changing their tune, and I don’t think Kid Rock is either.

  18. George Markey

    This is pandering. The owner knew what they were doing. Don’t tell me this went without his knowledge. Am I that stupid. And no, us “idiots” don’t course drink Coors. I switched to German beer. I’d rather pay the price, then drink balls.

  19. Steven Bradeen

    Michelob light is an Anheuser Bush product also so the article is just a satire and disinformation campaign.

  20. Baker Wilson

    A-B has been a bad actor for decades. They are the number one opponent of bottle/can deposit laws which have been very effective in reducing trash along the highways. About 90% of my ditch cleanup trash has Bud Light or Bud or some other weekass A-B brand on it. That doesn’t speak about the customers they attract. A-B, Nike and the other woke companies, pandering to a very small group of deviants will get my business.

  21. Larry

    I have never pushed my “White-Straightness”, nor do I fly a “I’m straight” flag. I’m comfortable with the LBGTQ+ community. My wife’s Uncle is Queer and my cousin is Bisexual. I love them both. When I worked at Kaiser Aluminum I worked alongside almost every kind and color of person. Some were vary colorful and a lot of fun with great attitude about who they are. But I do have a problem with companies that seem to think they need to push the LBGTQ+ life style. Like I said I don’t feel a need to push or celebrate my Straight & White lifestyle on others. Why did Obama give the LBGTQ+ group Pride Month? Even God and Christmas didn’t get a month. I also don’t believe it’s safe to be teaching sexual behavior to kids under the 7th grade. I read some of the school’s questionnaires being given out to kids of young ages and it was shocking. One just recently felt like it was trying to make you think you’re not supposed to be who you are ( if you are straight, your thinking wrong.) A young child wouldn’t understand this. It would probably leave them confused. It was shaming you for being straight. That was clear to me.
    It’s alright to celebrate a person who is doing something special and OK for “Him, Her” to announce they are LBGTQ+ or of some Race if they like. But the Race and LBGTQ+ are being pushed to a Higher Plain than the rest of us and are getting notoriety by being different from the rest of us.
    Please be careful of what you publish and lets slowdown all this flag-waving that just divides us. Thanks, Larry

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